celebrate my lady garden, bitch

You may already be aware that the video for new Madonna single Celebration features the old bag gyrating at an unpleasantly personal angle to the camera in a Balmain dress and thigh-high boots. Does this worry anyone else? After all, if you caught any other 50-year-old masturbating in a big white cube while her daughter watches from the sidelines you'd be on the phone to Childline quicker then Guy Ritchie can say ‘I didn’t only make Snatch, OK?’

But hold on a second! Perhaps the amount of milky Ciccone inner thigh (toned and how!) on display is NOT to prove that Madge's quads are testament to the 300,000 agonising times she benchpresses Mercy and David Banda before breakfast, but as some kind of fiendishly intelligent riposte to ex-hubby Ritchie's career-defining gangster flick, exploiting one of the best-known and comparatively tasteful synonyms for her lady parts of modern times. Yes, as any fule kno, 'snatch' is listed on Urban Dictionary alongside old favourites like 'beaver', 'cooch' and 'bearded clam' as an alternative name for 'that bit wot's in front of the bum'.

POW! Comin' atcha, Ritchie! Who'd've thunk it, eh? And isn't that her barely-out-of-the-womb boyfriend Jesus she's sucking face with in the background? Yes. Yes, it is.

Theory: PROVED, and for my next trick I'll be interpreting the new Sugababes single (sample lyric: 'Hey! Yeah! Whoo! I'm too sexy in this club!') as a satire on the inexorable rise of modern technology.