Poor old Calvin Harris. Not only is he three times the height of a normal human being (and a Scot to boot - joke. JOKE!) but his misguided attempt at staging a protest during the X Factor finals fell flatter than a flat pancake being flattened by a block of flats in Salar de Uyuni on the Altiplano of southwestern Bolivia, which - according to my Google toolbar - is the flattest place on Earth.
Let me explain. Before last Saturday’s shock Jedward exit *SOB* Calvin was forcibly ejected from Simon Cowell’s primetime cash cow for jumping onstage during the duo’s performance with – der der DERRRR!! - a pineapple on his head. Yes, a pineapple. On his head.
CaHa later apologised on Twitter for what the Telegraph called his ‘pineapple stunt’. Now I beg your pudding but putting a pineapple on one’s head does not qualify as a ‘stunt’. It barely qualifies as a fruit salad. Let’s see what the stuntmeister himself had to say about it: “I was thrown off x factor for jumping onstage with a pineapple on my head. At the end of the day, I had a pineapple on my head. Sorry if I caused anyone embarrassment. P.S I love Jedward.”
As celebrity apologies go, it’s not up there with Kanye’s ‘Taylor!!!! Boooyaawww!!!! You are very talented!!!!! I’m not crazy y’all, I’m just real!!!!! Sorry for that!!! Much Respect!!!!’ but perhaps either Jed or Ward can console themselves with the fact they were warned in advance. Calvin’s one-man pineapple campaign began in the early hours of the morning, when he posted a photo of the offending item on the X Factor site and tagged it with the word ‘important’. One can only speculate the effect this cryptic posting had on his fans, but I think it’s fair to assume that global sales of pineapple stayed exactly the same.
Next month: Calvin gatecrashes the Oscars with a kiwi in his ear. P.S. I love Jedward.